A complete full stop in all caps and underlined was the grand entry displayed by Corona pandemic lockdown. This lockdown turned all my plans upside down. It all started at the last day of my 12th board exam...the day u all have been so happy and a get-a-way to freedom well it would have gone that way if not for the lockdown due to pandemic. No words could describe my hatred and my anger, just imagine....you finally found a way to survive the 12th grade with all the naggings and expectations placed on you and finally did your job hoping to breathe a little only to be stuck at your home! The first week or so went well to just go downhill at Rollercoaster speed. I couldn't find anything to do, no friends to chat being so introverted during school *eye roll*, and the data connection was so poor that i wish i could slap a few sense into the one controlling the data speed. I never thought being stuck at home would affect me this much since I'm always at home, never leaving it during any holidays , even for school since its just half an hour walk or so. Maybe its my shattering expectations that led me to being so unsettled. A whole month pass by scrolling through the phone, watching movies and a lot of book reading and crafts. Thru' the duration i started talking to some friends i had long forgotten , made some new ones thru'online and then there is always this one guy , this one guy in everyone's life that we say '
oh no..no.. we're just friends .... nothing else..'
even though we would be having a huge secret crush on them. Well , i had one so we started talking like twenty-seven. My mornings started with his good morning texts and ended with good nights. I would be smiling out side when i receive this texts but on the inside i would be screaming with glee. These slowly turned into late night talks...and as the usual plot goes ...i fell in love , head over heels for this guy and he didn't even know that! I never had the confidence to do that. I guessed he was single since he was always flirting with me and whenever i bring up the word commitment he brushed it off. We had our happy moments as well as bad fights. I cherished what we had for a while when it took a big downhill ride My stuipd a$$ tried to please him so bad that he got so demanding and me being introvert and having zero self confidence gave into his control. Too bad i realised it very late. This went on for months and months that even ma parents knew something was going wrong since i seemed less happy and shut my self out in my room when he doesn't reply or something. I have to say,
parents have a very good instincts and they are almost never wrong!
So my midnight strolls thru' the phone was getting out out my hand. So two days before new year (29 December no 30 December morning actually) , at midnight he texted that he wanted to say something and that it was urgent. I , so hopeful that he had fell for me went to chat on instagram only to get a huge load of heartache thrown at me. He texted," i want to come clean. I lied! I'm sorry. I'm in a commitment for more 3 years. " Ofcourse i didn't believe him! Because i have known him for nearly 5 years and i thought one of his friends was pranking me. I expressed my concern and to prove me wrong he face timed me. I didn't know what to do. I just texted "ohh okk cool c u later " while tears streamed down my eyes. I couldn't help but feel dumped even though we weren't in a relationship. I couldn't control my sadness that i called the only one i was close enough to trust ,
my cousin sister!
I cried my heart out to her and she being very helpful consoled me and told me to get an explanation for being played and led on. The next night i did the same. He not only didn't even gave me an explanation but also tried to justify what he has done. What a douche! And his AUDACITY to say i was also interested in that and thus we continued it when i didn't even wanted that from the start. I said that i wouldn't have done made him feel anything more if i had known he was committed. So on 30 December, i expressed my feelings for him ,
all in past tense written in caps , bold and underlined.
I entered a new year with a new confidence, leaving all the negatives and past behind me and with much more support and love from the ones that truly care and love me. I do occasionally does midnight strolls thru' my phone, taking in good while leaving out the rest to find its way back. All thru' the past year i forgot that due to the task of pleasing him at my hand i actually forgot to
myself! To tell the truth , it actually took a bit of time to get over that incident but its all fine now. The one of the things he taught me during my so called "
love during corona
" is that
there is a man who want us and who deserves us...its our job to select the best because the right one will never make you feel worthless.
But the best thing i learnt was that no matter what, if u can't love yourself first then we can't expect it from others. Unless we know our own value, how can we make others see it?
Wait for a while to love yourself as well as find yourself, then slowly everything will fall into place. If i can do that you can do. I did find a better one, one that tells me how much i worth to him, one that tells me to pamper myself more , one that supports me in every possible way.
Not every corona love story is a cliché love story, some love stories can be also about finding yourself and about self love.
This is for all the ones that's having a hard time finding and pampering yourself : self love!
Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. At some point you just have to decide... to BE that woman/man you have always known you could be !
You have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn't worked out so now try approving yourself and see what happens!
You are beautiful!
You are worthy!
You are capable!
Nothing is standing in your way other than yourself because how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you!
Self love is not selfish... if you are waiting for a knight in shining armour to save the damsel in distress then take a look at the mirror. You are can do it ;all it needs is your own self approval.
Why search for the key in other people's hand like scrounging for a needle in a haysack when you have the master key right in your hand?
Just think about this okay? Not being in a relationship or not having a love story like in books and movies are okay.... It means you still haven't even reached the middle of the book where the intro to the "one" starts but the start where the heroes are discovering themselves. .....And to the ones that have conquered these , just know that you are blessed and congratulations!🥰 (All the contents written is a blend of present senario in a virtual writing to make a valid point. No offense to anyone!) Minna Miriya Cemarajh 1st year B voc food processing technology St.teresa's college, Ernakulam
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